It's one of those nights when I'm washing down my birth control pill by drinking directly from the wine bottle. But, only because I'm out of water, and I don't trust the water out of the tap in my hotel room!
I'm in Cancun tonight on a routine layover doing the job that I'm still pinching myself to check whether I'm dreaming that I got. It's been nearly a year and a half since my last post, and my life has changed in so many significant ways!! For one thing, I am insanely happy. The short version of the story is: I'm more settled and confident in my career AND in myself. I know who I am, and who I cannot be - and I am comfortable with both of those things. But of utmost importance..... I have hit the lottery..... I have found a love that is genuine, unselfish, exhilarating, rewarding, incredibly satisfying.... name a positive adjective - it's that. I didn't believe this kind of thing existed. I've fallen in love with my best friend (no... not Amy.... my best GUY friend), and holy shit - he loves me just as much!!!
But it has been a tough road. Last January after my separation, I hit rock bottom emotionally. Then, I went lower. I have been through so many tears, so much guilt, dealing with my feelings of utter failure and inadequacy...... and I've tried to hide it from everyone. Don (Sweet Cheeks) was, and still is, a good, wonderful man, and I feel that I failed him in many ways. But, I've come to realize that marriage is a two way street, and the responsibility of its failure falls equally on both of our shoulders. We are just so different. Our divorce would have been so much easier if he was a womanizing, emotionally abusive, hateful, vengeful bastard like the man who preceded him. It would have been easy to be the good person in a bad relationship. It would have been easy to separate. But he is so kind. So gentle. My divorce was one of the most painful experiences I've ever had, because neither of us was the bad guy.
I will always love him, but we are two completely different souls; we're nearly polar opposites. We've tried a friendship, but as of yet, the wounds of our broken marriage are too painful for us to maintain anything but a "happy birthday" text here and there. I pray daily for his good health, and for him to finally find happiness. Sometimes, I'll hear a song or utter a phrase that he loved to sing or say, and for a moment I feel the pain of our split, accompanied by guilt and a host of other soul-cutting emotions. It lasts a few beats, and then I move on.
This is why I've been so silent on the blogosphere. I couldn't possibly
put into words how much I
was hurting (nor would I want to burden my readers with it).
But now? I'm grinning from ear to ear. My life has come together, at last. Love, career, fulfillment..... I feel so blessed.
My job takes me to the most wonderful places. Some, not so wonderful, yet still exotic and interesting. I'm senior enough to hold a line now (I have a schedule where I can see where I'm going a month in advance!) I can even trade trips with other pilots if I don't like where I'm going. Bill and I fly together TONS, and it's wonderful flying with your honey. He lets me fly a bunch!
I've just bought my 4th Harley. I now have a touring bike, a softail all-purpose bike, a badass-tear-up-the-roads bike, and a collector's item. All of these in the last 15 months. I know.... I'm certifiably INSANE. I *might* be through buying bikes for a while...... but you never know....
I've moved out of my apartment and into my sweetie's house. He not only shares my passion for riding, but is responsible for it! I bought my first bike from him, and I have never looked back! Bill and I are two peas in a pod - but I'm pretty sure that I'm the weirder of the two.
The Cliff's notes since my last post?
* I flew to Italy in March, rented a Harley, and spent a week touring the Italian countryside by myself.
* I rented a bike (twice) in Ecuador, and played in the mountains, where some things went wrong, and some things went right. I lived.
* I got divorced
* I fell in love
* I moved from my apartment to Bill's place and enjoy more love than I deserve to have
* My mom had a heart attack, triple bypass, and showed us both how precious life is (she's doing GREAT now, by the way!) Even more than before, she has become a shining example of strength, perseverance, hope, love, second chances, and GRABBING LIFE BY THE BALLS!!!
* I got a tattoo!!!
I'll write about some of the more positive things that have happened in the last year and a half, but for now, I wanted to get back online.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring? I just wanted to check in on the blogspot and let you know that while my soul was under construction for a while, I never gave up. I'm back and stronger than ever.
Be well, friends and family. It's good to be back.
