As one who suffers from seasonal sadness (I don't think the FAA will let me call it depression), I expected the blues to hit me sometime this winter. Usually, it waits until mid-January. However, since I was not able to make my pre-Christmas commute home, I found myself with 2 bonus days in the crash pad here in Cleveland. As the precip changed from rain to snow, the wind kicked up, the temperature dropped, and so did my spirits. There is no lonelier feeling than saying good-bye to your crew at the end of a trip, and heading for a place that is not your home.
Not that the crash pad is a bad place to be. I love my roommates! We laugh a lot. Yesterday, I busied myself by walking 3 miles in the snow, to the grocery store and back, for supplies. I started drinking wine and rum about 2 in the afternoon and watched the cooking channel with 2 of my roomies. I made baked ziti for those who wanted it, and watched the snow fly by the window. It was almost fun.
Today, I have the place to myself. I'm trying to busy myself by doing chores. I even shoveled the driveway. Partly because it was a nice thing to do for those few who have cars here, partly so I wouldn't pop another cork at 10:00am. I may go for a walk later. Or, I may just pop that cork.
I wrote to my dad yesterday, while in my drunk funk. I mentioned that I was disappointed in myself for being such a Grinch this year. I don't know what happened. I love Christmas. But, this year, I just can't wait for it to be over. I've been so busy with work and physical therapy for my injured shoulder, I haven't had time to shop for anyone. I am sick of the Christmas music that I love so much. I really don't want anything for Christmas but to be home. Poor Sweet Cheeks is sick and has no one to make him chicken soup and pump him full of drugs and hot toddies. And our darling sweet Clara Cat needs Mommy to pick up the ornaments she pulls down from our Christmas tree.
I told my father that I didn't think I would be so blue, that I am mad and disappointed in the way I am handling my Crash Pad Christmas. I am such a happy person! But I am still angry and sad that I have to be away. I know that spending the holidays away from home is part of my job. I know that I am lucky to be blessed with so much in this life, and I feel guilty about complaining and being sad. I know there are people out there who don't even have loved ones to miss on Christmas. I know that Christmas is a spirit, not a day, and that even if I can't get together with everyone until March, it will still be a celebration. I am thankful that I won't be alone on Christmas; my work family is still my family, and I'm lucky to fly with my roommate friend Val on Christmas Day. Neither of us can make our commutes home that night, so we'll be coming back to the pad for Christmas dinner (if I can pull it off, a prosciutto-wrapped roasted pork loin) and wine. There are no lectures anyone can give me that I haven't already given myself..... I just can't guilt myself out of my sadness.
When I woke up this morning, my father replied to my message:
"There have been times that I wished we were like bears and could hibernate through the holiday season. It can be frantic and maddening. It can be lonely and disappointing because what happens doesn't live up to what this season should be.... There are times, I believe, when we need to wallow in our grief and disappointments. We try to remind ourselves of how good we really have it, and that we should be grateful. We are, but we have to allow the sad to settle in for a little while.
And, you are right: you are a happy person! And, you make others around you smile, laugh and happy. I know: that's the effect you have on me. That's part of your charm and that soul that can feel shattered, but somehow mends itself."
When I read that, I put down my coffee, placed my head in my hands, and cried. It felt good.
I am so lucky to have such wise parents, who know the words I need to hear.
Tomorrow, I will return to work. I have a 2-day trip, followed by a day trip on Christmas. I will look for the Christmas spirit in the smiles on the faces of the people I'll bring together these next few days. I will find warmth in their reunions. I will tell children that I saw Santa streaking across the sky on Christmas Eve and hope their faces light up with wonder. I will be strong, charming, cheerful, and funny for those whose hearts are also aching for their families.
And when I finally get to my loved ones, I will hug them like there's no tomorrow! Just in case the Mayans were right after all. HA!
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| "Livin' the Dream," indeed. |
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