Same frustrations, different day.

Well, the sunshine and roses of my last post didn't last long! haha!

I've at last come to terms with my career's most recent disappointment. We had a bid out for 70+ captain vacancies recently. I'll spare my non-airline friends the details, but the gist of it is this - once again, I didn't make the list.

Oh, but this time I swore I wasn't going to get my hopes up. Not like last time, a year ago, when I just knew I was going to get it. I was studying hard and asking my captain's opinions on everything, putting myself in his place and thinking proactively. When I didn't get that one, I was like the Tasmanian devil in my hotel room, cursing and throwing crap everywhere like a 2-year old. Or, the time before that - 4 years ago - when I actually had a captain class and our crew planning guy called me 3 days prior all apologetic, "Hey... um, I see you haven't been notified. See, we forgot to ask someone ahead of you on the seniority list if they wanted in the class and of course they do. But don't worry, we'll put you in the next one!!" Then the economy went down the crapper, we furloughed and downgraded. I was like a kicked puppy then. I guess the rosy side to that one is that I would have been downgraded a few months later anyway if I had actually made it through upgrade.

Nope, this time I wasn't going to get my hopes up. Then I heard a rumor prior to the final award that I had received a captain spot. A few days later, I heard that was no longer the case. The official memo came out and - Not my time again. I should have known.

Ugh. How many times does Charlie Brown have to fall on his ass before he tells Lucy to go F*** herself with that damned football??

I'm studying for my annual Proficiency Check that's scheduled for Feb 6th. For you non-airline people, that means I have to go through a lengthy test that consists of an oral exam over systems and regulations, followed by a few hours in the simulator training for every possible emergency. These PCs are a good idea, because you'd be surprised how much you can forget in a year! I'm an anxious test-taker as it is, but "the box" is especially hard for me to confront because my initial sim experience was so traumatic.

It was 5 years ago, and I had never flown anything bigger than a light twin engine aircraft when I got this job. I'd never flown with an autopilot, and you can forget all that fufu pretty glass-cockpit crap. I came from flying freight into every kind of weather you can imagine in a ratty Cessna held together with happy thoughts and duct tape. I could fly the hell out of that plane, sing while I did it, and flirt with every Air Traffic Controller in the Midwest!

When it came time to begin simulator training for my initial here at this job, the first thing my sim instructor did when he met me was ask me if I was a screamer.
"I'm sorry?"
"You know.... do you scream and yell during the lesson?  I hate screamers," he said with a wink, trying to be charming. He had broccoli in his teeth and his breath smelled like a troll had taken a shit and died in his mouth. While I ignored the obvious innuendo, he assured me he wasn't a screaming instructor. However, as soon as he turned the sim on, he commenced the screaming. I sat there and took it while flying like it was my first time ever behind the controls of anything because I was so overwhelmed by everything. My sim partner flew like he was sprung from the loins of Chuck Yeager and born in the tail cone of the plane, but he'd sit there and argue with the instructor. Finally, on day 3 when all of our peers were about a full lesson ahead of us in their training, it all came to a head. We were on fire, had just secured an engine, and were running through the single-engine landing checklist when sim partner and instructor got in a pissing match about setting the speeds.

Suddenly, the instructor shouted at the top of his lungs, "PUT THE F***ING LANDING GEAR DOWN!! I'M ENDING THE LESSON, AND YOU TWO ARE GOING TO GET A NEW INSTRUCTOR! YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO MAKE IT AT THIS AIRLINE, MUCH LESS IN THIS BUSINESS!!!!"

He stopped the sim, stormed off, and I saw my career swirling down a giant toilet, taking with it every dollar I had borrowed or been given to pursue it.

We eventually got a new instructor who started us off at square one and somehow between the 3 of us, we managed to get both my partner and myself through the checkride. It was really the hardest thing I had ever done.

Remembering that I fought so hard and went through so much to get where I am now helps to quiet the voice that tells me to quit, to give up, to go back to school for yet another career change. My more positive friends assure me that just the sheer mathematics of attrition at our company equal an upgrade in the near future. Aside from that, the mathematics of the geezers finally retiring from the big airlines is supposed to create a "pilot shortage." I've heard these statements so many times over the last 5 years that I find it hard to believe in the Hope and Good Times Ahead they promise. There are bad times everywhere, and if you meditate on every one of them, it'll make you bitter and hopeless. Perhaps that's why so many pilots are alcoholics? People say, "don't give up. It's gonna happen."

Isn't that what the Cubs' fans say every year? Haha!!

A good friend of mine (and I am blessed with so many good friends) said that perhaps life is waiting for you to be content with what you have before it offers you something else. I can see that. I feel guilty for wanting so much. I promise I don't take for granted that I am in fact doing something I love for a (very small) living, that I work with the best people in the world, have parents who love me and are proud of me, and come home to such a happy life with Don and the cat. Truth be told, I would have been disappointed if I was awarded a captain class that made me scrub the plans to run my very first Half Marathon (which I've spent the last 2 months training for!) and the Jimmy Buffett concert just prior to that.

So, maybe it's not time to slit my career's wrists with the crash axe and punch out. I just wanted some grain of hope that life will improve, that my career will progress, that I can stop living paycheck to paycheck. Someday, it will. In the meantime, I'll enjoy getting the prime pick of the best uncommutable 4-day trips that Cleveland has to offer. Which is kind of like getting to pick the best turd in the catbox for your crap sandwich. Oooh!! That one has some string in it from when kitty tore up the Christmas presents!! I will enjoy pushing my body to new limits as I continue to train for my Half-Marathon. I will find the hottest coconut bra and grass skirt to wear to Buffett's concert and be happy, continuing life as I've known it these past 5 years.

And, I will always look forward to the next time I pop through an overcast layer on a snowy day to feel the welcome sunshine on my skin. Keep a-goin', friends.